Whatever,

幸福 Happiness

       
        「妳會過的幸福的，對嗎？」在我跨出門前母親這麼問著我，她的眼角微微濕潤，淚水在昏黃的燈光下顯得閃閃發亮。我向她微笑，點了點頭。我是這麼相信的。我知道她只是想透過我的回答讓她感到安心，只是一種確認而已。我們都知道這個答案沒有正解，我無法給她保證。她用力地握了握我的手，像是一種道別。她那粗糙而皺摺的手掌牽著我走過了二十年，母親是我唯一的信仰，我一直都試著成為像母親那樣堅強又溫柔的人。
         媒婆探頭進來，大聲地問著我到底好了沒。母親和我最後對看了一眼，接著我便被媒婆用力地拉出了門。我們沒有說再見，因為我們都知道那幾乎等於不可能的事。

        “You will be happy, won’t you ?” Mamma asked me before I stepped out the door. The tears sprang to her eyes, sparkled under the dark yellow light. I smiled to her, with my head nodded. I do believe so. I knew that she just wanted to be comforted by what I responded, just wanted to make sure. We both knew that this question has no final answer. I could not give her my words. She grasped my hand so hard, like a farewell. Her rough and wrinkling hand had lead me for twenty years. My mamma is my only belief, I’ve been trying to become a strong but soft person like her all my life.
        The matchmaker stretched her head in and asked us loudly if we were ready. Mamma and I looked each other in the eyes for the last time, then I was grasped out by the matchmaker with her strong strength. We said neither see you nor goodbye, ‘cause we all knew that it almost equal to impossibility.

         媒婆將我的行李扔進了後車廂，我則是坐上了車。窗外熟悉的景象開始快速後退。母親忍著淚水的身影也漸漸模糊。我將身體靠回椅背上，閉上了眼，耳邊傳來一句媒婆低低的咒罵，「該死，剛剛還出著太陽，現在是下什麼雨！」
         越南的鄉間道路因為雨水而變的泥濘難行。輪胎滑過泥水與碎石，連坐在車裡都感覺的到那不舒服的晃動。 我靜默地看著車窗一道又一道滑下的水跡。媒婆的心情很差，我知道她在害怕會因這突如其來的壞天氣沒能準時把我送上飛機。她突然轉過頭來，勉強扯出了笑，友善地對我說：「妳知道，台北的天氣可是比這裡還要多變呢！妳可要努力適應了，但我相信妳一定沒問題的。」我沒回話，只是點了點頭。她轉回了臉，又變的焦躁起來，「離登機時間還早，來的及來的及……」
        我重新閉上了眼。這是我這輩子第一次搭乘飛機，我想著，或許也將會是最後一次。

         The matchmaker threw my baggage into the trunk, and I got in the car. The familiar scenery outside the window started rushed back. The figure of my mamma aslo got fogger and fogger. I leaned back, closed my eyes. The matchmaker’s voice slipped into my ear. “Damn it ! It was a sunny day just then, how come it’s raining right now ?”
         The country road of Vietnam became too muddy to move on due to the rain. The tires slided through the mud and scattered stones. Even in the car we could feel the uncomfortable shaking. I watched the water trace fell down on the window in silence. The matchmaker was in a bad mood. I knew she feared that she couldn’t get me on the plane on time because of the unexpected awful weather. She suddenly turned to me and said, “You know, Taipei’s weather is more changeable than here. You gotta make effort to get used to that.” I did not answer her, just nodded my head. She turned her face back, became anxious again. “It’s enough time for us to get on the plane, we’ll be on time, we will...”
        I closed my eyes again. It’s first time in my life to take a plane and fly in the sky, I thought then, and it might be the last time, too.


        兩天後我跟我那只看過照片的丈夫在一小群他的親友祝福下結了婚。他看起來比照片上的他還要緬靦。媒婆告訴我我的丈夫大約四十幾歲，工作是在夜市裡頭擺攤販。不知道是否因為太過勞累，他看起來比實際年齡還要老氣。
        台北的天氣就如同媒婆告訴我的一樣多變。太陽出現的日子少的可憐，大部分的時候都是令人不舒服的灰濛濛的天空，彷彿下一秒就要落下的壓迫人心。
        我一開始過的很不適應。但我的丈夫對我很好。他一直跟我說，我是他的第一任妻子，也是他的第一個女朋友，他說他在見過我的照片後，便一直對我念念不忘。他對我的要求不多，只會要我跟他一起出去賣東西。我的中文還說的不太流利，他會一直很耐心的慢慢教我。他讓我在這裡的日子不再頻繁地想起母親，也讓台北的天氣變的不再難以忍受。放晴的時候，他偶爾會帶我出去走一走，看看台北的景點。我們甚至還有了第一個孩子。

         Two days after I married to the man who I had only seen on the photo before, with the bless from a small group of his relatives and friends. He looked shyer than he was on the picture. The matchmaker told me my husband was about forty years old. He’s a vender selling things in the night market. Don’t know if he was worn out because of the job, he looked older than his actual age .
         The weather in Taipei just as changeable as the matchmaker told me. The day came out with sunshine was so few in Taipei. Most of the time was the days with uncomfortable gray dusty sky. It pressed my mind so much like it would fall down in no time.
         I really couldn’t get used to it at the very first. However, my husband treated me so well. He kept telling me that I’m his first wife, aslo his first girlfriend, the only girlfriend. He said he couldn’t forget me after seeing my photo. He did not ask me to do things much. He just wanted me to go selling with him. My Chinese didn’t speak so fluently then, but he would teach me slowly in patience. I did not miss my mamma so much at here because of him, and he aslo made the weather in Taipei not so unbearable. He would take me out and walk around when the sun came out. To visit some scenery around Taipei. We even got our first child.


        一個家庭。我想著，臉上的表情大概是微笑吧。一個完美的、童話般的家庭。
        我要的一切都在他身上得到了補足。我的父親在我很小的時候就離開了，但我的孩子不會遭遇同樣的悲劇。我得到了幸福，我想大聲向母親說，我們要的幸福。
        我愛他，我愛他，勝過所有一切。

         A family. I thought. The face I put on probably a smile. A wonderful, fairy-tale-like family.
         All I wanted had completed from him. My father had left us when I was just a kid, but my child wouldn’t encounter the same tragedy. I’ve got the happiness. I wanted so much to tell my mamma, the happiness we expected all the time.
         I love him, I really do, more than anything.

        然而就像烏雲掩蓋台北的太陽一般，風起雲湧，風暴在天空的深處緩緩蘊釀。我甚至不知道那是從什麼時候開始的，人心陰暗處的黑暗面。在我認為童話般的家庭裡，下起了滂沱大雨。
        他第一次毆打我是在下著大雨的深夜。

         However, just as the dark cloud would cover the sun in Taipei. The wind rolled up and the cloud boiled. The storm brewed silently deep in sky. I even didn’t know when it began, that the dark side of human beings. The heavy rain fell down so hardily in my family I thought to be a fairy tale.
         The first time he beat me was at a deep night with heavy rain.


         那天正好是我獨自出門擺攤滿二個月的時間。我提著大包小包進門，客廳的燈是昏暗的，我以為他們都睡了，於是按開了小燈，然後發現我的丈夫就坐在沙發的一角盯著我看。我被他嚇了一跳，我根本沒有發現他就在那兒。

        「妳今天怎麼回來的這麼早？」他問我，低沉的語氣。
        「外面下著大雨，夜市的人少，今天大家都早早就收攤了。」我回答，撥開臉上濕淋淋的頭髮。
        「老公，你還好嗎？」我靠近他，想碰碰他的額頭。他的臉色不太對勁，我以為他生病了。
         然後他大力揮開了我的手。我睜大了眼看他，他從來沒這樣對我過，我不知所措。

        「老公……」
        「妳那是什麼表情？」他突然站起身，使勁握住我的手腕。握的我發疼。
         他對著我大吼，從他的嘴裡噴出陣陣酒氣。
        「妳在可憐我嗎？妳也覺得我很可悲對不對？年紀一大把了，交不到女朋友，永遠只能當個小攤販，沒人要嫁給我，只能找仲介幫我找一個落後國家的外籍新娘！」

         That was the day I selling things for two months by my own. I carried packs of crafts and got in the door. The light was dim in the living room. I thought they were all going to sleep. Hardly had I turned on the small light, I found my husband just seat in the corner of the sofa and stared at me. I was scared by him all at once, I didn’t find he was there first at all.
         “Why did you come home so early ?” He asked me, in a low voice.
         “It rained really hard outside, there wasn’t many people going to the night market, everybody all went home early tonight.” I answered, I pushed aside the wet hair from my face.
         “Are you all right ?” I approached him, just wanted to touch his forehead. He didn’t look right, I thought he was sick.
         And he suddenly wiped my hand away so hard. I widened my eyes and stared at him. He never treated me like this, I didn’t know what to do.

         “I...”
         “What the hell of the look you put on your face ?”He stood up all of a sudden and grasped my had with hard strength. It even made me hurt. He yelled at me, the smell of the liquor spurted out from his mouth. “Are you having pity on me ? You think I’m deplorable too ? Now that I’m so much advanced in age, never had a girl before, just a small vender all my life, and no one wanted to marry me, I could only ask an agency to find an immigrant bride from a straggly country for me !”
        

         他的話語讓我倏地呆愣，這時他抓著我猛力地推了我一把，我被他的力道給推倒在堅硬的地板上。他像是沒看到似的，直接掄起沙發上的抱枕朝我臉上用力摔了下來，打了好幾下。 結實的抱枕以他的力度打下來，簡直像被書本打到沒兩樣。 我悶哼了一聲，驚恐地往旁邊爬去，我身上濕透的衣服褲子在地上拖出了一條寬寬的水漬。我真的被他嚇到了，我做了什麼？為什麼他要這樣對我？
         我想從地上爬起身，但濕淋淋的地板又讓我腳滑了一下，我的膝蓋重重地撞擊到地板，身子重新倒到一旁，劇烈的痛楚從膝蓋開始麻痺我的下半身。我顫抖地回過頭，看見我的丈夫陰沉著表情朝我走來，手上拿著原本放在茶几上的檯燈，被他扯掉的電線拖在地面。
         為什麼？
         他揚起手將檯燈朝我的臉用力砸下，我無意識地慘叫了一聲，而後只感受到腦部一陣猛力的撞擊，接著失去了知覺。

         His words suddenly made me wooden, he grasped on me and pushed me onto the rigid floor. He was like, he didn’t feel it at all, just flourished the cushion on the sofa and threw it down hardly on my face, and again and again and again. With the strength he used, it was like hit by the solid book. I made a low moan, crawled away with terror, the soaked clothes and pants I wore draged a wide water line on the floor. I was frightened. What have I done ? Why he did this to me ?
         I wanted to get up from the floor and ran away, but the moist floor got me slipped again. My knees collided with  the floor, and my body fell to the other side. The sharp pain numbed my lower limbs started from my knees. I turned my head back trembly, and saw my hus band approaching me with a gloomy face. with a lamp which originally stand on the teapoy in his hand, the torn off wire dragged on the floor.
         Why ?
         He lifted up his hand with the lamp and smashed it down on me , I shrieked unconsciously, and felt the sharp striking on my skull, and then lost my sense of feeling.


         為什麼？
         Why ?


         我不知道我的丈夫受到了什麼刺激，我不知道為什麼他要這樣對我，我不知道身為外籍新娘犯了什麼錯。我從來不曾向他要求過什麼，我真的很盡力地想迎合他，我……

         I didn’t know what had stimulated my husband. Didn’t know why he did this to me. Didn’t know why it’s so wrong that I’m an immigrant bride. I’ve never asked him for anything, I’ve already tried my best to pander to him. I’ve...


         那天的隔天早晨，我是在一陣一陣的抽痛中醒過來的。我的丈夫不曉得去了哪裡。我走進浴室，查看額頭抽痛著的地方，而後發現那是一道劃過眉毛與太陽穴皮膚的深深的割傷。我簡單地清洗了傷口還有身體，換了乾淨的衣服。才走出浴室，便聽見了孩子的哭聲從臥室裡頭傳來，我急急地要衝進房間時，便看見我的丈夫就站在門廊邊瞪視著我。我彷彿被凍結般佇立在房門口不敢移動，瑟縮地看著他。我的丈夫只是冷冷地吐出了一句話：「讓他閉嘴。」我連頭也沒點，便連忙進了房間，將門關上，抱起我的孩子，輕聲哄著他。
         我的孩子、我的孩子、我的孩子。淚水滴落在我的孩子的臉頰上，像雨一樣，無法停止。

         The next morning, I woke up with the intermittent twitch of my head. I had no idea where my husband went to. I limped into the bathroom, and checked on the twitching place on my forehead. It was a deep incised wound across my left brow and temple. I simply cleaned the wound and my body, and changed a suit of clean cloth. I just stepped out the door, and heard my child crying in the bedroom. When the time I wanted to rush into the room, I saw my husband stand by the hallway and glared at me. I was like frozen right at the doorway, I dared not to move, just stood there and stared at him cringingly.  “Shut her up.” My husband spoke in a cold tone. I got in the room rapidly, even didn’t nod my head. I closed the door, holding my child in arms and soothed her in a soft voice. My child, my child, my child. The tears fell down on the cheek of my child. As the rain in Taipei, I couldn’t stop it.


         自從那天起，一切都改變了。
         我的丈夫的溫柔像是被野獸啃食掉了一般消失的無影無蹤。他的轉變來的又急又凶，像洪水，像暴雨。他每天酗酒，喝醉後便拿起空酒瓶將我打的遍體鱗傷。他會辱罵我，嫌棄我是從落後國家來的落後人種。每天晚上我一樣要到夜市去擺攤，附近的攤販都看的到我身上消退不掉的瘀青和傷口，但他們只會用同情的眼光看我，搖著頭，卻不表示什麼。
          他們看著我的眼神像是我只不過是我丈夫的附屬品。那是我從來不曾發現的。
          但我無處可逃。
          母親和我隔著一片天空的距離，我回不去了。在異鄉，我只是個外籍新娘，帶著我外籍新娘的孩子。我們無處可逃。
          我甚至不能理解為什麼。

          After that day, everything changed.
          The tenderness of my husband was like nibbled off by the beast. It had disappeared, and left no trace. He changed so fast and so fierce. Like a flood, a deluge. He indulged in alcohol, and after he drunk, he would smash me with the empty bottle, making me black and blue all over. He would insult me, abusing me that I’m just a straggly mankind from a straggly country. I still had to selling crafts in the night market on my own every night. The venders around me could all see the bruises and wounds that could never vanish on my body. Yet they would only stare at me with sympathy, shaking their heads, never said anything at all.
           The way they looked me like I was just an appendage of my husband, which I didn’t discover it before.
           But I had no where to run.
           My mamma was separated from me by a sky interval. I could never go back. In the foreign land, I was only an immigrant bride, with my immigrant bride’s child. We had no where to run.         
           I could even hardly understand why.


          「妳是他的太太嗎？」
          一直到某一天，一名西裝筆挺的男人，挽著一名打扮時髦的女人，來到我的攤位前。我一開始不知道做何反應，只是呆呆地注視著他們。那名男人見我沒有回答，便聳了聳肩，看向身旁的女人。
          「是個外籍新娘，中文大概不太好。」
          「你不是說你那位同學的以前是你很看好的競爭對手嗎？」他的妻子問道。
          「是啊，誰知道呢。上次同學會時聽說他現在居然只是個夜市的小攤販，還娶了個外籍新娘，我還以為只是個笑話呢。」他牽著他的妻子擠出了幾乎令人窒息的夜市，那低沉的嗓音仍隱隱約約地飄進我耳中。

          「今天下班想說來確認一下，如果是真的還可以敘敘舊。說真的，真想不到他居然會搞到今天這種地步。那天同學會啊……」

           為什麼？

           我突然感覺到一陣暈眩，我向後將頭靠在瓷磚舖成的牆上，手臂蓋住眼。即使穿了長袖遮掩，也擋不出傷口散發出陣陣的刺痛，以及從腳底升起的寒冷。
           模模糊糊的，彷彿回到了那一天要跨出門前，母親握著我的手，幾乎能夠感受到那粗糙而皺褶的手掌。母親那殷殷盼望的嗓音，在我腦中一遍又一遍地迴盪著，從來不曾平息過。
           妳會幸福的，對嗎？

          “Are you his wife ?”
          Until the day, a man in a business suit, with a woman in fashion clothes dragged his arm, come to my stall. I did not know how to act at first, I just stared at them silently. The man shrugged, and looked to the woman beside him.
          “It’s an immigrant bride, probably can’t speak good Chinese.”
          “Didn’t you say the friend of you is the one of your formidable rival ?” His wife asked.
          “Well I did. But who knows. Last time at the student party I heard that he’s only a vender in night market now, and he even married an immigrant bride. I thought it was just a joke.” He pulled along his wife’s hand and struggled out of the crowded stifling night market. Yet the voice still slipped into my ears softly. “You know, I just wanted to make sure after work today, probably talk about the old days by the way. Frankly, I can’t imagine this could happen to him. It’s pathetic to find him in this embarrassing situation. The day of student party...”

           Why ?

           I suddenly felt faint. I leaned back and put my head on the wall of ceramic tiles. I put my arm on the eyes. Even though I wore the cloth with long sleeves to cover up all the bruises, I couldn’t keep off the pain, and the chill rising up from the sole of my feet. Vaguely, I was like back to the day before I stepped out the doorway. My mamma grasped my hand, I could feel her rough and wrinkling hands. The eager voice of my mamma reechoed on my head, over and over again. It never stops.
           You will be happy, won’t you ?





Fin。

這是我這學期英文通識的第一篇作業......（渙散）
雖然寫的還是不好，不過我覺得實在太有紀念價值了，所以傳上來保存一下。

我的議題是外籍新娘問題，我好像有點把她寫的太悲慘了XD
其實我很怕老師看不懂最後的結局，希望理解不要出錯ˊˋ